I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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