I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
