I think I died a long time ago.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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