if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
