two words: eviction party
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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