and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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