Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
