Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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