the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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