Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
