Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
