You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
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My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch