My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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