Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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