All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
