sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
