The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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