Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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