You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
