Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We are two peas in an std pod
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
