Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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