I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
