"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
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Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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