I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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