She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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