I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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