I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
