just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
