Banned from zoo.
Again?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
