did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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