Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
