The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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