You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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