Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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