I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
