I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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