STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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