I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
