Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
