summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
