How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
