Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
