I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
