If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
