My nipple is on Facebook.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
MIDGETS
????
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
