Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
