I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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