i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
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