Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
