I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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