Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
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My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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