I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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