i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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