I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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