are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Quick, to the slutcave!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
