I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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