Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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