Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
