I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She needs sedatives and a leash
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
