The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
